Chrissy Teigen has opened up about the loss of her unborn baby Jack and revealed the reason behind the heartbreaking photos she shared on social media.
In a tear-jerking essay she penned weeks after announcing the death of her baby, the 34-year-old model expressed how she is still in pain due to her loss and how she is thankful for all the words of support she and her husband, John Legend, have received during these hard times.
“I had no idea when I would be ready to write this. Part of me thought it would be early on, when I was still really feeling the pain of what happened,” Teigen wrote.
“I thought I would sit in the corner of my bedroom with the lights dimmed, just rolling off my thoughts. I’d have a glass of red wine, cozy up with a blanket, and finally get the chance to address ‘what happened’.
“Instead, I’m writing from the downstairs couch, still cozied up in a blanket but buzzing from a morning of friends and fried chicken. I’m reading off countless notes from my phone — thoughts that have randomly popped up in the weeks since.”
After thanking her fans for their support, Teigen went on to recall the time she was told by her doctor that her baby wouldn’t survive after she was rushed to the hospital following excessive bleeding.
“After a couple nights at the hospital, my doctor told me exactly what I knew was coming — it was time to say goodbye. He just wouldn’t survive this, and if it went on any longer, I might not either,” the 34-year-old added.
“We had tried bags and bags of blood transfusions, every single one going right through me like we hadn’t done anything at all. Late one night, I was told it would be time to let go in the morning. I cried a little at first, then went into full blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness.
“Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again. Oxygen was placed over my nose and mouth, and that was the first picture you saw. Utter and complete sadness.”
Despite being criticized by some for taking photos of the tragic moment she held her lifeless baby in her arms, Teigen defended her decision saying photos will help her remember the moment forever.
“I had asked my mom and John to take pictures, no matter how uncomfortable it was. I explained to a very hesitant John that I needed them, and that I did NOT want to have to ever ask. That he just had to do it. He hated it. I could tell. It didn’t make sense to him at the time,” she explained.
“But I knew I needed to know of this moment forever, the same way I needed to remember us kissing at the end of the aisle, the same way I needed to remember our tears of joy after Luna and Miles. And I absolutely knew I needed to share this story.
“I cannot express how little I care that you hate the photos. How little I care that it’s something you wouldn’t have done. I lived it, I chose to do it, and more than anything, these photos aren’t for anyone but the people who have lived this or are curious enough to wonder what something like this is like. These photos are only for the people who need them. The thoughts of others do not matter to me.”
Concluding her heartbreaking essay, Teigen admitted she will likely never forget this experience as she vowed to love Jack forever.
“I wrote this because I knew for me I needed to say something before I could move on from this and return back to life, so I truly thank you for allowing me to do so,” the model penned.
“Jack will always be loved, explained to our kids as existing in the wind and trees and the butterflies they see. Thank you so much to every single person who has had us in their thoughts or gone as far as to send us your love and stories. We are so incredibly lucky.”
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